Join up with me,
So you can see,
Hell's dark brew a-bleeding.
Breathe out the air,
All's foul and fair, when
The Siren's Song is pleading.
|
|
no one likes spammers
bosstone2b@aol.com
|
|
Disclaimer: If this page serves a purpose, which in itself is still a mystery, it is certainly one of selfish intentions. Being so, the following post may be public, but I do not wish for it to be acted upon as such. That said, do not ask me about the contents or context of this post. If you are a person with which I wish to discuss, believe me, I will come to you.
I don't feel sorry for myself. At all. More accurately, I'm curious as to why I am in my current position, and equally curious as to how I might get out of it. And what will come of me then.
I am lonely right now. Not in the "right now" sense of the minute or day, but in the current stretch of lifetime. Sure I have my friends, but I'm still in search of that ever elusive companion. Not even in the strictly female sense-just someone to open up to, someone that will take my disclosures as they are, without judgment, but who can in return express a breed of compassion which is exclusive to the intimate relationship of a companion. That latter part is important; I do not need nor want a priest or therapist.
This person, this companion, this relationship which I seek has yet to fully emerge in anyone I have encountered. Including Emily. Certainly there was a closeness there, an intimacy which has existed unmatched by any of my other relationships. But total disclosure was never enacted-I doubt it was ever possible. Whether because of our immaturity or naivete, we never reached the necessary level of trust.
I've been wondering, is it really just me that literally has no one with which to share in the capacity aforementioned? How many people have that one person with which they can stand metaphorically naked with, ashamed or not? There have been times where I have revealed large bits of myself to another, and without fail the person responds in a way which is either disappointingly dimwitted or disappointingly immature.
Where are all of the smart people? Where are the capable ones, the ones who can analyze to a depth and breadth which exhausts most people? Why does intelligence almost unfailingly accompany emotional and psychological immaturity?
My two best friends, whom combined have more wisdom than I have ever beheld in any other individual, have decided that they can no longer live with one another. I have gruesomely betrayed another friend, realized that that same friend has wronged me for years, and quietly fanned away a brief breath of my own creation. The big nothing is turning out to be a sink hole of grief. Run while you can.
And again, I wish to announce my position of inquiry. My current state is as bountiful and pleasing as anyone my age could possibly wish. I do not pity myself, but instead wonder as to why I am here, what I should be getting out of it, and where to grow from there.
so difficult to continually post...
suppose that quale has the exact same nature as the divine. it seems counterintuitive, but hear me out. qualia are those distinct sensations that seem separate from causation, for example, the 'flooding' sensation of being in love, or the sensation of pain from stepping on a nail. those experiences are said to have certain qualia about them, in that there is something being experienced in those actions. for example, i could hypothetically set up an exact replica of the nervous structure of a foot, and manipulate it in such a way that it reacts the exact same way as a a real foot would when stepping on a nail, but without the observer there to experience it there is no quale. qualia, naturally, are a complete mystery to us except for the way that we experience our own version of them. example: "how do you know that what you see as red and what i see as red are the same, maybe it looks like what i call green to you but you've learned to call it red".
now for the divine. too many different versions to list, so i'll put what i'll call off-brand generic god: omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and having some sort of plan. i think that these two abstractions are potentially identical in nature and in impact/manipulative capability. but i'll post why later.
getting a bit more personal, i'm not sure if i any longer know how to verbally communicate myself to the person that used to be able to see what i was thinking. granted, i'm being a stubborn bastard and clearly holding on to something that may have only once been an ideal, of which nothing remains. but if there's anything that i've learned in the past couple years, its that those intangible ideals are one of the few things worth left striving towards. anybody can reach a goal that's always only an arm's-length away, but how many people can be dumb enough to not even be able to see that goal, and jump for it anyway? maybe i'm that dumb. most people would call me naively (or perhaps ignorantly??) idealistic, but maybe those people will never get what i will eventually lay claim to.
and, it may be that the world works in strange, incomprehesible mechanisms, and that maybe if i just try something ass-backwards, like giving up on it, just maybe then things will "turn out" for the best. but then again, maybe there's a reason that i just called it ass-backwards logic, and people who like to shake the long-term perspective stick should go shake it at the landfill of dead and buried desires. how many times have we all heard "if i could just go back...", or "its to bad that i didn't..."? i mean, aren't most regrets a result of not fulfilling a certain want at some point or another?
i always get to that point-its really not all that difficult to get to. but then i remember that someone else has to be taken into consideration here, that when it comes right down to it i've actually become capable, and have actualized, of putting someone else's experience before my own.
circles and circles and circles and lets just relax.....
back to the beginning.
...there's something here, in me, and i would like nothing more than to be able to share it with someone. i promise, whoever you are, it will be worth your while. i promise.
interesting discussion today about the origin of ethics. what exactly are "ethics"? is it some intrinsic machine that needs to be fueled and oiled by our so-called good deeds, or is it some manifest emotion as a result of sesame street and mom catching us when we steal from the grocery store? i've come upon the conclusion that its a set of egocentric tasks we align to ourself in order to get what we want in a way that "feels right", but that what exactly constitutes "feeling right" is completely subjective, and could be trained in any specific individual to be something that the rest of us would consider "bad". therefore, since ethics don't exist uniformly in all people, they don't exist at all, and are a mere reflection of our culture, which in itself is a reflection many individuals. ethics is a non-reductive account of the subjectivity held within every person, and for that reason can and must be discarded as another set of mind control.
granted, without these ethics and morals society as we know it would become null, so i fully encourage the acceptance of morals for everyone else.
supervenient functionalism=the answer to all our problems
SYSTEM REBOOT
I'm back, baby. I'm not going to spend this precious time explaining exactly where i've been, as its been mostly bad, but i've had a SYSTEM REBOOT and the going is going once again. I've finally been able to get over being happycontent and just "izzing" it all, and dear God (how ironic) does it feel "good". So, what is it that I have to say for myself now? KYLE you need to write this shit in your head down right now or else you will forget it you inconsequential ape (more irony!)!!
okokok so, just to start, where did this system reboot come from? just to be honest (and thus pathetic!) it came from these three awful words that I read this morning (no not those dreaded words, nonononononononono NEVER!), but three words that will have very little to no significance to anyone other than myself, and i'm not going to explain them because I understand it just fine so tough shit.
"Yay for Aarons"
Allofasudden BAM! total system failure, i'm walking around totally zombified (reminds me of a better story than this) with my stomach chained around my ankles, splooging my digestive juices all over the sidewalk, and needless to say anyone in said situation is, of course, sad! But upon reflection, i'm now finding that it wasn't only those words that put me in said funk, but moreover it was just the funk finally coming out to say hello. regardless, i'm definitely "izzing the funk" and my friend objectivity pops up behind me and kicks me right in the ass. He always does that, and sometimes it works, but today the ol' objectivity engine just wasn't willing to start up, no matter how much i "it doesn't really matter, things always work out, time makes it better" it to death. so, in goes kyle into philosophy, and the ontological discussion that followed was just the juice my objectivity machine needed to get back high gear. to culminate it all, Charlie, founder of my Tuesday afternoons, also known as Philosophy Club, leans over and says "And maybe our semantics are inconsequential and Searle needs to stop bitching", which is exactly what i was thinking!
this concluded my system reboot, and i've been "izzing" it ever since.
note to self: use "izzing" in future discussions as much as possible. it is brilliant, even though it is only you splicing buddha and snoop dogg to make something that can be regarded as a way of life.
note to audience (hah! you all thought this blog was dead!): izzing is the idea that all mechanisms of learned/inherent qualitative states and ontological inputs are the result of some cosmic dust exploding and and spinning, and a lot of energy and heat, and then a really long time later we have some humans starting to think that somewhere in between there is SOMETHING that is added in there that wasn't, such as god/qualia/the self, when in fact, nope, thats wrong and comes all the BULLSHIT that arises from all that is wrong as well.
second note to self: you knew this ALL ALONG. its just really, really easy to forget it and start to actually get involved. remember? remember when you let yourself disregard this knowledge to be in love? it wasn't even a slip, it wasn't some sort of mistake. you looked her right in the eyes and chose to let yourself forget what you KNEW to be true, so you could experience something fun instead. and it was fun, but now you're back to you, you can forget about all that qualitative crap, you can remember that it was built on a decision you knew to be "wrong". "wrong", not in the sense that you shouldn't have done it, because you made the right decision and IRONYIRONYIRONY you'll do it again because it IS so much fun! But "wrong" in the sense that you always knew you'd have to discard something a priorily true in order to accept something a posteriorily true. now you can reboot, you can walk around and shrug off everyone and everything and once again chose to feel what you want to feel. remember that? its back. enjoy it buddy, you deserve it.
Ok, so i'm going to try and be expeditious about this and not reread it, with hopes of not frustrating myself and going back to expunge the whole thing. i'll apologize in advance for not having any egregious anecdotes to share with you all, but unfortunately life has been a bit quotidian as of late. i've been counting the days till i get back (but unfortunately there will be no more countdown till E on the site, because apparently the E became a bit choleric over it), and i fully plan on having an abberantly phantasmagorical summer.
ok, enough of this pedantry.
i'm halfway to miserable. it goes against everything in my being to say so, and i can almost feel the steel-toed boot of karma in my groin, but alas "IM UNHAPPY". there. i said it. i've completed the ever-so-pervasive cycle of hypocriticalism, and the last of the fetus feces sapidity can tumble from my lips as i thoroughly masticate the last of my own words. i'm done with saying i'm done, through with saying i'm through, never say never again etc. it seems the cosmos like to play a cruel game of paddle ball with my ego, and the more i attempt to define who/what i am the harder they seem to hit. its back to the drawing board for me, except this time i'd rather step back and see what the drawing board has to say to me, or maybe even let a certain dewy wolverine i know do the drawing for me.
speaking of which.
thanks em, you're my cynosure
I suppose that picking up here after i've been gone for so long makes this post automatically awkward, but i've got to start again somewhere. perhaps a quick plotofmylife recap:
-yup. still at emory
-nope, don't like it so much, probably will transfer
-classes are great, people not so much
-i'm in a theater class. 10 people. 7 1/2 hours a week. just acting. very YES!
-still dating the billboard at the top of your screen.
-ain't she just DARLIN'???
-and no. still haven't acquired a southern accent. but ya'll check back later just'n case.
-i rushed a couple frats, got into two, declined both. regret=mostly yes.
-still keeping up the positive outlook on life, but its been a little difficult lately, due to general lack of good people to talk to.
-started swing dancing again, hopefully will be back into the full "swing" of things soon.
-yup. still hate puns.
-now working out six days a week, mostly aerobic.
-aerobics+georgia=sweaty kyle
due to the hiatus in posts, i'm not expecting anyone to read this anytime soon, but if perchance someone does, perhaps leave a comment with some inspiration for the next post.
BY THE WAY!!! I just found out Oasis is back together (i'm probably the last person on earth to know, but oh well) and they're touring the US this summer for four weeks only. i think they're playing in nevada, and if so, i'm thinking ROAD TRIP!! what do you all think?
|
