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Saturday, January 14, 2006Disclaimer: If this page serves a purpose, which in itself is still a mystery, it is certainly one of selfish intentions. Being so, the following post may be public, but I do not wish for it to be acted upon as such. That said, do not ask me about the contents or context of this post. If you are a person with which I wish to discuss, believe me, I will come to you.I don't feel sorry for myself. At all. More accurately, I'm curious as to why I am in my current position, and equally curious as to how I might get out of it. And what will come of me then. I am lonely right now. Not in the "right now" sense of the minute or day, but in the current stretch of lifetime. Sure I have my friends, but I'm still in search of that ever elusive companion. Not even in the strictly female sense-just someone to open up to, someone that will take my disclosures as they are, without judgment, but who can in return express a breed of compassion which is exclusive to the intimate relationship of a companion. That latter part is important; I do not need nor want a priest or therapist. This person, this companion, this relationship which I seek has yet to fully emerge in anyone I have encountered. Including Emily. Certainly there was a closeness there, an intimacy which has existed unmatched by any of my other relationships. But total disclosure was never enacted-I doubt it was ever possible. Whether because of our immaturity or naivete, we never reached the necessary level of trust. I've been wondering, is it really just me that literally has no one with which to share in the capacity aforementioned? How many people have that one person with which they can stand metaphorically naked with, ashamed or not? There have been times where I have revealed large bits of myself to another, and without fail the person responds in a way which is either disappointingly dimwitted or disappointingly immature. Where are all of the smart people? Where are the capable ones, the ones who can analyze to a depth and breadth which exhausts most people? Why does intelligence almost unfailingly accompany emotional and psychological immaturity? My two best friends, whom combined have more wisdom than I have ever beheld in any other individual, have decided that they can no longer live with one another. I have gruesomely betrayed another friend, realized that that same friend has wronged me for years, and quietly fanned away a brief breath of my own creation. The big nothing is turning out to be a sink hole of grief. Run while you can. And again, I wish to announce my position of inquiry. My current state is as bountiful and pleasing as anyone my age could possibly wish. I do not pity myself, but instead wonder as to why I am here, what I should be getting out of it, and where to grow from there.
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3 Comments:
hey kid cheer up some okay? you can always call me and talk to me, im usualy a pritty good listener the only problme with me is that i am blatently honest...
claire
how's all that workin' out for you? dunno about you, but i'm finally really needing to talk about it. can i borrow your ear?
always hear... and you know my number if you still want to talk to someone
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