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Tuesday, August 17, 2004After I walked away from your car the first time I thought I wouldn't go back out, I couldn't because I knew I wouldn't be able to tear myself away again. Then my mom went out and hugged you, and I heard you both crying so I hugged myself and did the same. She came in and I couldn't resist, I ran back out to you and lost all that composure I had saved up to be strong for you, I ran out and let it hurt again and hugged you so hard your poor little frame might have been crushed. That composure I had lost came back to me, and somehow I smiled at you and told you everything was going to be fine, somehow in the dark of 4:45 in the morning I smiled and told you I loved you and everything would be fine. Then I went back inside and my mom hugged me, and I cried all over again. I saw you watching me, I saw you watch me lose my defenses and stand there and weep like a little kid.I wish you could be here now and let my tears fall into your hair again, and your hands could press into my back and keep me standing while I shake with all the broken breaths. But mostly I wish I could see that smile again... Sorry, can't post anymore. can't see past these damn tears.
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