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Thursday, February 05, 2004Perfect AnnoyanceOh man! Kyle, you're so dead! Oh man! I'm TELLIN'! The prancing dancing bugger running circles around and around me keeps prancing and dancing, so I stick out my foot and now he's a cryin' dyin' little bugger rolling on the ground, yelling at the top of his lungs for Mom 'cus I stuck my foot out and he went and ran over my leg and tripped! But there he is, screaming bloody murder like I went over and scratched his eyeballs with a fork, but no I didn't do that, he ran over my leg that was all. But of course here comes Mom from her room and she's got that look on her mouth, the same one when I went and hit Cole with a broom, or when took my dirty sock and stuffed it in his mouth, or when I made that bologna and crushed red pepper and ketchup sandwich on wheat for him, and it made his face turn real red like the ketchup, or when I stood outside his door when he was sleep talkin', and talked back in a monster voice and made him get scared in his dream. She had that look on her mouth and I was in for it. Cole stops wailing his lungs for a second 'cus he doesn't know she's there, but he turns over a little and sees her black heels and starts it up all over again. Then that look on her mouth open up, and I know in my bones what comes next: "Both of you. In chairs. Now. Two hours." Oh man oh man oh man I'm gunna kill that little retard boy! I know he's not really hurt and he's just faking it like he always does, for some reason he can't cram it in his little head that its always both of us that get punished and not just me, but no he has to go and do it again. And now he knows what he's gone and done so he jumps up real quick, completely fine, remembers that he's hurt, and grabs his left shoulder and makes his cry face again. I hate his cry face. He scrunches up his eyes real small and then pushes out his bottom lip real far and makes it shake like a rattlesnake, like the one we pretended we put in Mom's bed once and she got real mad and grounded both of us, but I got out because I got to go play soccer and Cole had to stay home with a babysitter. Sometimes I wanted to take his rattlesnake lip and wrap it around his tiny little head, then yank real hard and make him spin like a top. Then he'd have a reason for his stupid rattlesnake lip. But now he's real scared because he got in trouble too, like he always does, and I see him start to think, and he makes another stupid face where his brown eyeballs look to the left to make up a lie, like the time he told Mom that I pushed him into a cactus, or when he told Mom I put the granola bar in the VCR, or when he told Mom I pushed him bunk-bed, and that was only half true 'cus he was already leaning over to bug me when I was just trying to go to sleep, so I lifted up my legs and gave his bed a little nudge, and he fell all the way down! So he's thinking, and then I can tell he finally got something good: "He pushed me real hard and then he hit me in the stomach and covered my mouth so I couldn't come tell!" Wow! That was a good one! He hasn't used that one before, and that sounds just like something I might try and do, in fact I think I will use that one next time, but now he's got me caught doing something I didn't do, and Mom puts her hands on her hips like the time I convinced him to drink the rain water that had fallen in Mom' ash tray, or that time I got a water bottle and squirted it up on the top bunk where he was trying to fall asleep, and told him it was raining, or that time I put snow in his tennis shoes and he didn't figure it out for an hour. She had her hands on her hips and I could tell that I had better give my best performance ever, or else Cole would win and I would loose and that can never happen. Think Kyle, think, come on-you gotta come up with something-oh! "Mom if I was covering his mouth to stop him from crying then how come I don't have any spit on my hand or his face?" And I bring my hand for her to see, and she inspects it real close as if she actually cares, and she even looks a little impressed, and she turns to Cole, who is completely panicked because his plan backfired. He starts to look to the left, but I'm ready for him this time: "Tell the truth Cole! Don't lie! You're lying! Tell the truth, don't lie! You're lying!", and I repeat that over and over, really loud until he can't concentrate and starts to cry again. Triumph! "Both of you. In chairs. Now. Two hours." We take one look at her mouth and we know it’s hopeless, and then we remember that one of us has to get the “good spot”, so we bolt out of the room and race to the kitchen, and he’s right next to me so I push him a little and he looses his balance, and falls on the couch, while I get the “good spot”. I grab the chair with arm rests and put it next to the cat bowl by the jacket closet, because if you sit by the cat bowl then you get the cat, Sashi, to come over so you can pet her, and when he walks by I give him my biggest big-tooth smile, the smile of victory, one that stretches my mouth so it takes up half my head, like the Cheshire cat, and I hum between my teeth the “Nana Nana boo boo” song, but he looks right back up and smiles back at me, and pulls out an old candy bar from his pocket, and he pulls that chair up right next to me so he can chew in my ear for two hours straight, the ultimate final touch to his perfect annoyance.
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