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Wednesday, May 14, 2003ColdNow i know that absolutely everyone feels alone at some point in their life, and even though i could, i'm not going to go on and on about my lonely grief-stricken existence. that would be hypocritical, being that my life is damn good right now. i just feel a little down. so with that said, i figure why not explain why:A couple years ago, about a year ago, i don't remember, several of my close friends (i can't even remember exactly all who was there) and i were bowling at Sylva's. now, i was having a really good time, being that i was feeling loved and accepted and appreciated and blah blah blah. anyway, i was having fun. so, about halfway through the game, several people start taking over the computer that keeps score, and changing people's names and giving them a nickname. for instance, i believe david's was "Confucius". then, when it came to be my turn, someone (it doesn't matter who) wrote down "asshole" for my new name. at which point, everyone laughed and commented on how appropriate it was. now, you could just call that adolescent cruelty, but in all honesty they weren’t that far off. so it was a rude awakening. ever since then i have been doing everything in my power to change that name, to cast off the title and restore myself as a decent person. i think i succeeded. at least, i thought i did, until recently, when it seems like people are beginning to act similarly towards me as before the rude awakening. with that in mind, i've been stepping out of character and looking at myself objectively, and i honestly can't say i've gotten any different recently. then again, being that i am well...me...i understand myself perfectly, so observing my own actions objectively is just about impossible. in truth: i cannot go back to the way i was, those are memories too......not painful, not impossible, not agonizing. i honestly don't know. i won't kid myself or you, my life is damn peachy and it just about always has been, but still...fuck degeneration. its time to quit all the acts and get with it. i've always been as real as possible, because hiding behind a mask is weak, and i know that i am not weak. life's too short to be weak.
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